more than sparrows

2012-01-26T16:52:00.000-08:00

Let me take you through the past 28 days...

Here we are on Christmas, just a few days before the girls arrival...would anyone care to imagine how massive my belly would have been had I gone 40 weeks? Eeek :)

After the anxiety of going through the actual c-section, I'd say I was pretty relaxed and we were so ready to meet the babes. You know you have a great anesthesiologist when he offers to take a picture during the procedure :)

Eden Kelley Hoerl...2 pounds 11 ounces. Our first look before she was whisked away to the NICU. Yes, that's Saran Wrap underneath her hat covering her head, to keep her nice and toasty!

Henley Palmer Hoerl 3 pounds 2 ounces...32 weeks of waiting and it was worth every second to see these gorgeous faces

After the girls were born, I was moved into a recovery room and Jordan came with me for the first hour to give the doctors some time to get the girls cleaned up and assess their needs. Jordan and our parents were able to go see the girls within the first few hours, and would periodically bring me pictures so I could see them for more than the brief minute that I had seen them at delivery. I was so anxious to see them and kept asking the nurses when I'd be able to go up. About 6 hours later, I finally was able to get out of bed (which is a whole other story...your first time standing up after a c-section is NOT pleasant...) and go see my baby girls. I was so excited and anxious...I didn't really know how I'd react or how I'd feel, it's definitely a different experience to really see and touch your baby(or babies) for the first time 6 hours after you have them.

Seeing Henley first, crying tears of happiness to officially meet my sweet girls. Such an overwhelming feeling of love for them.

After a few minutes the nurse asked if I wanted to hold Henley, and I wish I could have recorded the look on my face. I honestly didn't have many expectations going into their birth as far as being able to hold them or touch them at all. We had no clue what type of state they'd be in physically, being so early and having complications during pregnancy. Miraculously, each girl only needed CPAP (a breathing device that delivers constant air pressure into a baby's nose) for a few hours that first day. There was no doubt that it was the Lord that allowed them to start breathing on their own in room air within 24 hours. Amazing.

Jordan's first time holding Henley. Before we had the girls, we were told that it was very unlikely they would be placed in the same nursery, for a few different reasons, but right away the girls were put together. Another huge blessing, and it definitely made it easier on us!

Our precious little Eden, the same day after they took her off of CPAP. Even with the many wires, monitors, feeding tubes, tape, etc etc etc, my girl could not look more beautiful at this moment.

The girls spent almost 2 weeks in "Nursery #4", one of the more intensive nurseries with babies that have more severe health issues or ones that are very premature. These were some of the hardest days that Jordan and I have ever been through. Day after day walking into the nursery so happy to see our babies, but not knowing what to expect. Looking back and hearing some of the stories from other parents who have been through some crazy things, we are so blessed, and the "little hiccups" that the girls went through could have been so much worse. Thank you Lord for your continued protection. I don't think I fully knew what to expect going into the "Nicu life", and I don't think you can fully understand it unless you've gone through it. It definitely is much more difficult than I had ever anticipated. Like I said, our girls (thank God) have had a fairly stable path so far, but the emotional toll that it takes on you is at times unbearable. You are torn between two things: You want to be there 24/7 and you don't want to be there at all. You want to be there all the time even if all you can do is sit in a stool and stare at your baby and watch them breathe. You struggle with walking through the doors every day because it's so hard to see your baby so small, frail and behaving differently than you'd see a full term baby behave. Every day you ask yourself, "did they lose weight?" "did they tolerate their feeds?" "did the doctors find anything wrong?" "are they really being taken good care of?" Needless to say its hard to get any rest when these things are constantly lingering in your mind.

For any parent with their child in the NICU, if they don't have the Lord and His grace and strength to see them through, I can honestly say I don't know how they do it.

Despite the tough questions, thoughts and situations, there are some happy times too, and trying to get to know our new girls has been such a joy, despite the conditions. (Happy times also include a sister who made a surprise visit from Oregon to see her nieces and take some gorgeous pictures:))

(Mommy and Eden)

The first time our girls had been together since they were snuggled up in the womb. They loved every second!!

Beauty queen Henley already showing off her personality

Eden modeling one of the many gorgeous hats that Jordan's mom made for them so they will at least look cute during their stay at the NICU;). So cute!!

Snuggle time with Henley

Eden's first bath, she LOVED it!

"Chubby" Henley gaining weight day after day. Toppin the charts at a little over 4 and a half pounds! Keep it goin girl :)

The girls are doing so well and Jordan and I are so grateful for all of the prayers that have been said on their behalf. I can't wait to sit down with them one day when they are older and tell them just how many people cared about them and took the time to pray for their health and safety. We are so appreciative. We have received so much support that has been so helpful, whether it's a meal or a night at the hotel across the street or a phone call or text message, we can't thank you enough. The support of our family and friends has made it easier to get through this time, and we are so thankful!

At this point we still aren't sure when the girls will be home. In some ways this past month has seemed to fly by, and each day has seemed to blur into one big experience. In other ways it seems like it's been an eternity and it blows my mind that someday soon we will be able to have our girls right here at home with us. I could be sitting here typing while one is crying because she's hungry and the other is crying because she needs her diaper changed...and let me tell ya...I am so looking forward to that day.

A lot of people have asked what I do all day at the NICU....this is what my typical day looks like:

Get there in the morning, attempt to feed Henley, spend some time cuddling with her, put her back, attempt to feed Eden, cuddle with her, put her back, and then it's about time to do the whole thing over again. I don't have to be there all day, but I think anyone in this situation would choose to be. If you can't have your babies at home, you'll find a way to be involved in any little thing that you can, even if it means taking their temperature or washing their face. These little things that we so often take for granted are ways that NICU parents can feel like they are actually being parents. And these are priceless moments to me right now. I definitely feel like I have been in isolation for a month, trying to sneak in a quick text between feedings or a short phone call while one of them is sleeping, and I just want to say how grateful I am that people are so understanding. I'm sorry if I don't always get back to you, it's not because I don't care, and please trust that the minute these babies come home I will be much more reachable than I am now:)

A few things you can be praying for as we continue this hopefully short-lived journey....

1.That the girls would start taking every feed orally (they have to do this for a full 24 hours before they will be considered able to go home) instead of through their feeding tubes

2.Once this happens, that each baby would be able to maintain their own body temperature. Right now they are in the lowest setting of heat in their isolette, and as soon as they can take their feeds orally, they will turn this off and see how they manage their own body temperature.

3. Both girls are anemic, which is fairly common for preemies, but something that has to be monitored. Eden is doing ok, but Henley's levels have been dropping and they are re-checking them on Monday. If she doesn't improve, they will consider doing a blood transfusion. While I know that they do this all the time, it still makes me nervous to put someone else's blood into my baby girl's little vulnerable body. Please pray that it doesnt get to this point and that her body is able to recover without this intervention.

As soon as the girls can eat all of their feeds orally and maintain their body temperature, they can come home!!! It seems like such a simple thing to ask, but for a preemie, it takes a lot of energy and coordination, things that they aren't supposed to be even attempting right now, as they should still technically be in my belly. However, they are amazing and smart and they will get it. We just hope and pray it's a little sooner rather than later :) More to come..

One week old today!

2012-01-06T13:53:00.000-08:00

Happy one week birthday Henley and Eden! You have been such incredible blessings in our lives and we are so grateful to the Lord for your lives and for giving us such an amazing week with you! You are and continue to be testimonies of God's great faithfulness and mercy. Your mommy and daddy love you SO MUCH!! (and a lot of other people do too:)

To everyone that has prayed, called, texted, brought a meal, given a hug, been a shoulder to cry on, sent flowers or gift baskets, or have given us support in some way, THANK YOU. you have no idea what a blessying you have been to Jordan and I and how you have helped to make this time with our girls so much more comforting. We love you and pray that the Lord blesses you tremendously for your generosity and love.

A little update on the girls....

After a few rough days of questions, discouragements and a lot of worry, the girls are slowly but surely making progress. Both are learning to tolerate their food better and use their digestive systems, both are working on gaining weight, and both are breathing completely on their own. These things are all happening purely because of the Lord's protection over them. Both girls had brain scans to check the structure of their brains and came back with NO bleeding in the brain or calcifications. Praise God! The scan does not tell us anything about their brains developmentally, but this is still amazing news and we are trusting the Lord that He will bring them through with their daddy's intelligence! :)

Right now we are continuing to ask for prayer that they keep eating and digesting well, as this will allow them to get their IV's out (called PICC lines, they are central IV's placed just outside of the heart) and put them at less risk for infection and also one step closer to bringing our girls home!

Will keep you updated as we can....thank you again.

tomorrow is the day!

2011-12-29T05:22:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow...
We get to see firsthand our miracle babies that the Lord has carried through these past 32 weeks. We get to witness His faithfulness and His ALWAYS good and just ways, because of who He is, and not because of what He's done for us. We get to see a chapter close on one part of our journey, one very scary, but faith filled chapter, and allow the Lord to work through the next chapter. We get to look back and say "See what the Lord has done for us" and thank Him for his love and faithfulness that we so do not deserve. We get to hold on to His promises when it may seem difficult or unbearable, and remember how far He has already brought us.

I still can't believe we get to meet our baby girls in less than 24 hours. The past 2 nights I haven't been sleeping, up almost every hour wide awake just thinking about them and what it's going to be like having them outside of my belly. The past few weeks has been filled with so many different emotions, one day I'm crying, thinking of how nervous and worried I am about the unknown, and the next I'm beside myself with excitement, feeling so blessed that the Lord has brought us this far and has allowed us to go through this. Jordan and I went out to dinner last night as our last date night before 2 kids, and we were saying how even though this has probably been the toughest few months of our lives so far, we are so grateful that the Lord allowed it to happen, and know He has used it in our lives individually and as a couple, and even more as parents. What better way to bring your babies into the world than being covered with prayer and surrender to the Lord? And that is obviously something that the Lord needed to keep clear in our minds, and wanted us to take very seriously. I can honestly say that I have never felt closer to my husband or seen his selfless love towards me more than these past months. He keeps amazing me with his support for me and our girls, and I know that it is because of what the Lord is doing in his life. I could go on for days looking at how faithful the Lord has already been to us, and the girls aren't even here yet. It excites me so much to see how He is going to use them. Their tiny little bodies are already living testimonies of our great God and all that He is capable of. Thank you Lord.

Jordan and I want to thank each and every one of you for your prayers and support to us, from day one we have felt so many people come around us with so much love and prayer, and we are eternally grateful. Thank you for taking the time out of your precious lives to pray for our little family.

We finally finished the girl's nursery, and all is set except for mattresses for the cribs and a few little odds and ends, but here is a little peek into their new home in a few months...

(a girl always needs a place to hang her favorite hats and headbands)

(a very special friend made this for the girls)

(our last night out as a family of 2!)

Please be in prayer with us tomorrow at 7:30am. That the delivery would go smoothly, that we would hear the loudest cries of our lives as soon as those precious girls come out, and that they would exceed all of the doctors expectations as far as health and development, as they already have. We serve a miracle working God and believe wholeheartedly that our girls will be living proof of that.

"For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth. Upon you I have leaned from BEFORE my birth; you are he who took me from my mother's womb. My praise is continually of you." Psalm 71: 5-6

it's baby time :)

29 weeks

2011-12-13T05:16:00.000-08:00

Last week, I got a package in the mail from California. Since I don't really know anyone in California I was curious to see what was inside. When I opened it I couldn't help but feel so blessed, and I feel like I've overused this phrase in the past few months but, overwhelmed with thankfulness. It really is the only way of describing how the Lord has continually cared for us and shown us His great love through different circumstances, people, and kindness that has been shown to Jordan and I from people we know, and people we don't know.

What I recieved was a package from a woman named Danielle, who has an incredibly beautiful ministry called Knit Together by Love. She bases her ministry on Colossians 2:2 which says "I want them to be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love", and her whole focus is prayer. If she hears of someone with a need, she knits them something and as she knits she prays specifically for their needs. (I'm tearing up just thinking about it again). Danielle was told about our circumstances by an incredible friend of mine who has been such a support to me during these past few months. Not only do we have her support in prayer, but she made these for us:

(please disregard the toaster oven that completely ruins the picture:)

2 adorable knit hats for the girls, and a scarf for me. Now every time I see them I am reminded of her kindness and encouragement to us, and what the Lord has brought us through. You can see Danielle's amazing website and find out more about her ministry here: http://daniellesque.blogspot.com/p/knit-together-by-love.html

Thank you, Danielle, your heart is beautiful and we are so encouraged by the way the Lord is using you!!

Our appointment was really encouraging yesterday, thank you to everyone who was praying for us! With only 16 days to go (!!!), we are excited and anxious about meeting our little girls that we feel like we know so well already. Our girls weights are up to 2 lbs 15 ounces (Baby A) and 2 lbs 4 ounces (Baby B), which is really great. Ofcourse we hope they continue to put on as much weight as possible before they are born, but the doctor said that Baby A's weight is on track for what a single baby would be at this stage, and B is definitely a bit smaller, but she has been showing consistent growth, which is amazing considering the lack of nutrition she is getting. He said that B is doing "remarkably well" given her circumstances. I think that was my first "proud mom" moment, hearing that my kid was doing "remarkably well" :) Ofcourse she is, she's a fighter and she has the Lord on her side, the Sustainer and Giver of Life!

Something Jordan and I like a lot about our doctor is that he tells us exactly how it is, good or bad, and doesn't sugar coat things. This is so crucial to us, as we want to know how to prepare and what to be praying for for our girls. He told us yesterday that although both girls are looking pretty good, he expects baby A (the bigger one) to have a harder time after they are born. This seems ironic because all along we have been praying so much especially for B, because she is the one that is lacking more nutrition, growth, etc. The doctor explained that because B has been operating under stress for the past 7 months she has been inside of me, she is used to surviving under stress, and this will actually help her when it comes to being born early at 32 weeks. However, since A has had a pretty "normal" past few months as far as nutrition and growth and blood flow, she has not been used to stress, and being born this early could be tougher for her. We are confident that the Lord will sustain our babies and bring them through this, but please remember to keep her in prayer too. The doctor also looked at both of their hearts, and although he said he wasn't concerned, he found a tiny bit of fluid around Baby A's heart, that wasn't there before. Like I said, he didn't seem overly concerned, but I know it's probably not something that they like to see.

If you are praying, please keep these few things in prayer:

1. For both babies, specificially for B that the Lord would continue to sustain her and give her everything she needs for a safe and healthy delivery. For A, that the fluid around her heart would dissapear, and that she would amaze the doctors at how well she does after delivery.
2. I know it sounds like a little thing, but that both babies would be able to come home with us at the same time. Ofcourse we want them to be in the NICU for however long it takes for them to be healthy, but we would be so happy to have to not separate our babies homecoming.
3. That the Lord would keep Jordan and I healthy through the next few months so that we are able to take care of our babies as much and as best we can.
4. That the Lord would continue to work his miracles and that we'd be able to share His love and goodness with the doctor's and nurses that we come in contact with, especially the ones we've worked closely with for the past few months.

"Believing and trusting are hard work because they involve a surrendering process--a giving up of control...none of us are in control of our world except God, and nothing happens to our loved ones that He doesn't know about." ~Andrea Boeshaar

Update...

2011-12-08T14:04:00.000-08:00

What a crazy few weeks it's been....Jordan and I have been busy with doctors appointments and preparing for our baby girls...both stressful and exciting, but mostly exciting!

Last Saturday was my last day of work for a while at the salon. I walked in bright and early to find my chair fully decked out in pink & white balloons and LOTS of them :) The girls had a cake and adorable cookies and made the day so special, I'm so blessed to have so many people that love and support me and I'm so grateful for those girls.

Back when I first decided to start my maternity leave in December, I felt like I'd have so much time to prepare, get things ready, etc, seeing as the girls due date is February 25th. Now because the "due date" has been moved, and with only 3 and a half weeks to go, it seems like the time is going to go by so fast, and to be perfectly honest, I couldn't be more thankful for that. I was talking to my mom yesterday and telling her how happy I am that this part of our journey is coming to an end, and the next part is beginning. Although we are going into their birth with a lot of "what if's" and unknowns, it just gives me so much more peace to know that our babies will be out of my womb, which seems to be a scary and unpredictable place for them, and that we will be able to see them face to face. I keep thinking about what it's going to be like to see them for the first time and I couldn't be more excited to just stare at them for hours.

We had a bit of a crazy day yesterday, with our appointment at 8:30 which is usually only supposed to take about an hour. Needless to say, I didn't leave Albany Med until about 2:30. Here's how it all went down...
We got to our appointment, and let me just say that we had previously made this appointment specifically to see a Dr. that we have been seeing from the beginning, the Chief of MFM at Albany Med, and the one who knows our situation best. So, they call our name for the ultrasound, and the tech who was about to do our ultrasound was one we have had once before. For anyone that knows Jordan and I, we are pretty easy going and willing to give people the benefit of the doubt in most situations. Now this tech is sweet, kind and professional, but it is written all over her face that she is new, and that she doesn't really know 100% of what she is doing yet. When we had her before, she kept mixing up the measurements of Baby A and Baby B, and coincidentally did the same thing this time. I asked the tech if our doctor was going to see us that day, and she said he wasn't available, but that we'd be seeing a newer doctor. As soon as she left the room to get the doctor, I burst into tears. Like I said, in most cases I am willing to give anyone a chance, but when it comes to my babies, who are in an extremely high risk situation, I'm not quite as willing to let things slide.
A few minutes later, the doctor and tech came in, and again, the doctor was very nice and very professional, but she had NO idea about our particular situation, hadn't read any of the notes from our previous appointments, and was more impressed with Jordan than anything because he basically had to teach her about our diagnosis and what the doctors were looking for. Not the most comforting when your husband knows more about the medical situation than the doctor who is supposed to determine if your babies are in distress and ready to be delivered that day or not.
Not to mention that this particular doctor is new at knowing how to scan ultrasounds, so the tech had to walk her through step by step how to get the babies dopplers, and she assured us that their dopplers were both normal. Thank the Lord that Jordan and I have been to enough appointments and have educated ourselves enough that we knew this wasn't true, because although A's has been normal all along, Baby B's has not been "normal" since I can remember, and that's why we're here in the first place.

Fortunately, I had an OB appointment scheduled for after the ultrasound, and a supportive and fired up husband who insisted on staying with me so we could get this all straightened out and hopefully figure out where to go from here. We met with a different OB for my appointment, and she actually knew the background on our case, and felt that it was completely unacceptable that we had not seen our doctor in weeks, and apologized profusely, before Jordan and I even had a chance to say anything. That was definitely the Lord, stepping in and giving us someone who wanted to advocate for us. She immediately left the room and as far as we know, gave the staff a piece of her mind about why we hadn't been in with our doctor for weeks, and why we kept being shuffled between different, new doctors. She came back and said that we would not leave that day without being scanned by our doctor, and that from now on, we will insist to see him, no matter what. What a huge burden lifted off of our shoulders, that someone actually realized the severity of this situation and was on our side. Again, thank you Lord.

The doctor also insisted that we (finally) get a tour of the NICU, which we have been waiting for for about a month, and she got us in within the hour. We met with one of the doctors of the NICU, who was amazing, and pretty much gave us a run down of how things would go right after the girls were born and what to expect for their stay in the hospital. Every question we asked he had an answer for, and gave me so much comfort as a mother because he seemed to really understand my fears and concerns. We were able to go into one of the rooms where the babies were, and I just kept praying that the Lord would help me keep it together and not break down and cry. Thankfully, I did, and seeing those little ones hooked up to all of the monitors and tubes actually gave me some kind of comfort, knowing that they are getting the best care possible, and that our girls will be getting the same thing.

So, after our NICU appointment, we went back to the OB office to get re-scanned with our doctor. He scanned both of them, and did their dopplers, and again said that A's was normal, and B's was intermittently absent, which is how it has been. We are obviously still in prayer that we will go in one of these appointments and B's will be normal as well, but we are grateful that her's is not completely absent or reverse, which is the worst case scenario. God is sustaining her, and we are trusting He is giving her exactly what she needs to thrive and grow into the little girl He wants her to be.

Our doctor said he now wants to see us twice a week (next Monday and Thursday), and wants to start doing non-stress tests to monitor the babies and keep a little of a closer look on them. We set a date for their birthday, a c-section on Friday December 30th, and the doctor said that it is good to have an ending point if the babies make it this far. We are praying and feel at peace that the Lord is going to bring them to this date, and have faith that He will carry us through the next 3 and a half weeks.

On a lighter note, I washed and put away all of the girls adorable clothes today, and Jordan and I have a date to finish their room on Saturday. Pictures will be coming for sure :)

We are so thankful for your prayers, and grateful beyond words for the support that everyone has shown us. Please continue to pray specifically for these things:
1. That the Lord will protect the hearts and brains of our little girls, that every flow of blood between them and to them would be beneficial to their growth and development and not harmful to their little bodies
2. That their lungs would continue to develop as they should and that the steriods would help develop them a little faster than normal so they are able to breathe on their own and not need as much assistance in the NICU
3. That the Lord would bring our little loves to Dec 30th safe and sound, and that surgery and delivery would go smoothly
4. That the doctors would be amazed at how well the babies are doing in and out of the womb, and that there would be no other explanation other than the Lord Jesus protecting them. That we would be able to share His love with everyone we come in contact with through our girls miraculous lives.

Thank you so much! More again soon....

thankful hearts

2011-11-23T14:12:00.000-08:00

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

our precious little baby B, who finally decided to turn so we could see her face

Last Sunday, we were invited to our dear friends Andrew and Ashley's church to share about what we're going through with the girls. Andrew was preaching on the verses above, and gave an incredibly challenging message about being thankful in all circumstances, because of who God is, not because of what He's doing for us. During part of his message, he mentioned that although we might have really great plans and intentions for what should happen in our lives or in other people's lives, they are ultimately not OUR intentions, but God's. That totally made me think of our own situation and how time and time again we are being reminded of how great of a God we serve, despite our circumstances. We don't worship and follow Him only in the good times when everything is going perfectly, but we need to do this ESPECIALLY in the hard times, because of who He is, and that should be enough for us.

Andrew had asked us to briefly share our story, which Jordan did, because I knew I probably wouldn't make it through without crying. I had to choke back the tears anyway, not simply because it was hard to relive everything we've gone through the past few months, but because of the incredible, supportive husband that the Lord has given me. He loves me and our girls so much, but ultimately he loves the Lord, and that is the most amazing blessing a woman can have in her husband. Because of his love for the Lord, I know that he wants what the Lord wants for us, and he will put that above everything else. I don't know what I would do without his support and leadership for our family. I can't wait to be a parent with him, and to see him teach our girls how to live lives that glorify the Lord.

After he shared, Andrew and Ashley asked us each a few different questions. It was such a blessing for us to be able to share in the midst of our trial, and I feel like it holds us accountable in a way. To never stop praying, trusting, and believing that the Lord is good no matter what our outcome is. So many people came up to us afterwards and shared their own stories and words of encouragement, and told us that they would be praying for our family.

26 1/2 weeks

We've had 2 different doctors appointments since I last wrote, and so far nothing much has changed, which is as much of a blessing as it is nerve wracking. Today during our ultrasound, they did the doppler readings (basically it's how they see the blood flow going from the babies to the placenta) and the one for baby A (the bigger one) looked fine. They measure "fine" based on a constant, consistent flow of blood going from the placenta to the baby. In our case, the problem is that Baby B's doppler readings are sometimes absent, meaning she is not getting far enough from the placenta as she should, and this was the case today. I had a pit in my stomach as I watched the screen, knowing just what we were looking at. The doctor said that although this isn't great, it isn't the worst case scenario quite yet. Worst case scenario is when there is reverse blood flow, meaning B is pumping her blood back to the placenta, and that is REALLY bad....when they would consider delivering right away. He said that our next goal is for me to make it to 28 weeks, and then to 32. We are praying wholeheartedly that they make it until 32 weeks, as it will be a better chance of survival for them both. But as we've kept saying, the Lord knows best and he knows just when they will come, so we are trusting in that.

I really can't say enough how grateful we are for everyones support and love. We have gotten several cards in the mail this week, had dinners made for us, and endless phone calls and messages. Thank you all for taking the time to think and pray for our little family, we are so grateful and don't want you to stop! Your words are an encouragement to our hearts.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, may you remember to rejoice always, and be thankful in all circumstances, no matter what you're going through, because He is good.

One more day

2011-11-11T15:04:00.000-08:00

Our hearts are so overwhelmed with thankfulness. We were floored at how many people have told us they read the blog and are praying, passing it onto others, fasting, and being a support to us. We had a flood of messages and comments from people we know and love, and people who haven't even ever met us, and we are so grateful. WHEN our girls are here and old enough to understand, I can't wait to share with them the many words of encouragement from all of you, and how many people prayed for them before they were even born. What a blessing. Thank you.

So my good friend Danielle is a blog master ;) and creates gorgeous templates for people and their blogs. She has been praying for our babies for quite some time, and wrote me the sweetest message yesterday saying how much of an outlet blogging is and how it has blessed her and how much it can bless others, and that she wanted me to have a pretty place to do that too. Thank you Danielle for taking the time to make me a beautiful blog that I can share my heart with others on. The girls love it.

We had our weekly ultrasound scheduled for yesterday(Friday). It felt like it took an eternity for the ultrasound tech to get a scan of both babies heartbeats. Usually that's one of the first things they do, but for some reason she did what felt like a million other things before we got to hear that beautiful sound. Both hearbeats were good, and again they were moving around like crazy. Thank you God, for another day with them.

Since day 1, Baby B (the smaller of the two) has been the one who is most difficult to get photos of, and she gives the hardest time to the techs and the doctors when they are looking for what they need. Every time we leave with pictures, we usually have a completely clear photo of Baby A's profile or face, and Baby B just is way too busy having fun to cooperate. No time for pictures, Mom, I'm practicing my dancing for when I come out. The techs usually chuckle a little and say "wow, she really is busy" or something along those lines. You keep being busy, Baby B, we don't want it any other way.

Unfortunately, the doctor we usually see is out until next week, so the one we saw yesterday didn't really have a clue as to what was going on concerning our visit to CHOP on Tuesday, or much of anything else for that matter. It was a little frustrating, Jordan and I both wished our normal doctor had been there to go over everything and help us come up with a plan, as much as possible. He did however look at both babies hearts, movement, and brain activity and said all looked pretty good right now, and that every week we would assess if they needed to be delivered that week or not. Praying they make it until 32 weeks, and if so, he said that there isn't much of a difference between twins born at 32 weeks or 34, so that was reassuring. We want them to be in the healthiest environment possible, and that is the trickiest part in this whole thing, for the doctors to know exactly when that time is.

I asked how big the babies should be at this point, and he said about a pound and a half each. A is exactly that and B isn't too far behind, so we are thankful. I was thinking today about how small they will be when they are born, and how I've never seen a baby less than 7 or 8 lbs in person. It's going to be so surreal and in a way, scary. I keep envisioning them in the NICU and their little hands and feet. I want so badly to know what they look like, what they sound like. If we deliver at 32 weeks, that's only 7 weeks away. In a way, 7 weeks doesn't seem long at all, but on the other hand, I know it's going to be a continual process of looking to the Lord for strength for each day that goes by.

Again, Jordan and I appreciate all of your support SO much. We are so thankful and blessed and give all glory to the Lord for what He is doing in our lives and through our situation. We don't always know why things happen the way they do, and we may never know...but if it can bring honor to Him, we can find so much comfort in that. More soon...

2011-11-10T04:37:00.000-08:00

Luke 12:6-7 "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not ONE of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

I decided to start a blog about our journey that we have been on the past 6 months...it has been a rocky yet joyful one and I know how many of you are praying for Jordan and I and our two little miracles. We can't thank you enough for the support and love that you've shown us, and hope this gives you a better insight to what's going on. The verse above (Luke 12:6-7) has been one that has stuck with me from the beginning of our journey...if God cares for the sparrows, and doesn't forget one, how could we ever doubt his love for US, his children, when He knows every thing about us, down to every hair on our head.

I'll start from the beginning....

In May of this past year we found out I was pregnant. We were beyond excited and couldn't wait to tell our family and loved ones about what the Lord was doing in our lives...

(photo taken the day we told our parents and siblings)

In August, we went for our very first ultrasound, excited to see the first picture of our baby. I wish I could have recorded what Jordan's face looked like the minute the ultrasound tech said, "So, yeah, there's 2 in there!". To be honest, I had a feeling that we were having more than one for a few months, and had even said to a few people that I thought so, and no one believed it ofcourse:) Jordan and I had always said to each other that we would love twins, and I remember before the ultrasound, I specifically asked the Lord that they would be twins. We were ecstatic, I was crying and Jordan had to pick his jaw up off of the floor a few times. I remember waiting for the doctor after the ultrasound and Jordan said something like "Well I guess the Lord really wants us to know He is in control and we aren't". We had had a very in depth discussion the night before of our plans after the baby came, how things would go, what we would do, etc. The Lord never fails to use whatever it takes to bring us back to Him and remind us that HE is in control! As I remember this story now, it gives me peace and comfort for what we're going through, knowing that from day 1, He has made it known that He has a plan and we don't need to worry about it.

That brings me to September...I went in for a routine ultrasound right before my sisters wedding in Oregon, and the doctor told me she didn't think there was anything to worry about, but that they saw Twin A was slightly bigger than Twin B, and A had more amniotic fluid than B did. She said I shouldn't be alarmed, that this happens quite frequently with twins, but she reccomended I go see a specialist to rule out anything serious. I was able to go to the wedding (Thank the Lord), but immediately after I got back, Jordan and I went to see a specialist at Albany Med. I was about 19 weeks at that point, and they diagnosed the twins with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, Stage 1. There are 4 stages to TTTS, 1 being the "best", but in most cases it progresses and it can become increasingly dangerous for one or both of the twins. In a nutshell, TTTS happens ONLY in identical twins that share a placenta. Because they share a placenta, they can have a risk of sharing blood vessels/arteries that are in that placenta, and getting an unequal distribution of nutrients and blood, causing the bigger twin to get more, and the smaller twin to get less, and in progressed cases, the smaller twin becomes "shrink wrapped" to the side of the uterine wall, much smaller and with much less amniotic fluid than the larger twin. This can cause major problems not only in utero but after birth for both of them.

We continued to see the specialist weekly for ultrasounds, praying every day that it would not progress and that the Lord would be growing them healthy and strong. Every time we went felt like a victory when they said that it was still in Stage 1, and it hadn't progressed. We were so thankful and just felt like if we could keep making it each week like this, it would be ok. We continued this until I was 23 weeks, and at that point our doctor recommended we go to the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia to see another specialist, that specializes in TTTS and other feltal complications with multiples. We thought, it couldn't hurt right? Let's go for an evaluation, it's better to have more opinions than just one.

So Tuesday of this week was our appointment at CHOP. After a 4/12 hour drive Monday night, we crashed in the hotel for the night and woke up for our first appointment at 9:00am. We met with a genetic counselor to go over family history etc, then had an Echo Cardiogram for each of the babies to check their hearts (lots of times in TTTS cases, the bigger twin can have heart problems due to too much blood pumping to them, so they were checking for this). We then had about a 3 1/2 hour ultrasound to check every part of anatomy for each of the baby girls, which was so fun and yet so uncomfortable. Who knew laying on your back when you have 30 extra lbs caused you to feel so lightheaded and nauseaus? :) Needless to say, we were so happy to see our little ones moving around so much so that the tech had a hard time getting the shots she needed due to their ridiculous cartwheels and flips. They take after their daddy for sure.

We were encouraged to see that they had each gained weight, with A weighing 1lb 8 ounces and B weighing 1lb 4 ounces! they both had all of their fingers and toes, their heartbeats were good, and they just looked so happy. B still had much less fluid around her than A, but she hadn't entered the stage of being stuck or "shrink wrapped" yet, she still seemed to have plenty of room to move around and enjoy kicking her sister. Dr. Johnson came in to the room, muttered a few things about the placenta and other medical terms to the tech, then left. We didn't really know what to think, and at this point our only knowledge was that they were still in Stage 1 of TTTS. We went back out to the waiting room until the doctor was ready to talk with us about their findings that day.

It was about 5:30pm at this point, and we were both exhausted emotionally and physically, and anxious to hear the possible good news the doctor had for us that everything looked the same to him and the twins TTTS still hadn't progressed. This is where the hard part comes in. Dr. Johnson started out by explaining TTTS to us in depth, and told us we didn't have it. Immediately I started crying, I think as more of a relief than anything. Could they have been wrong the whole time? Could our twins really be fine and we have nothing to worry about? After he continued explaining some things, I caught on that there was something else, something more serious and something the Lord would have to give us strength to hear. Dr. Johnson introduced us to something called Selective Intrauterine Growth Restriction (SIUGR), which is a fairly complicated syndrome that can look slightly like TTTS but it's very different. It happens in 10% of all identical twins, and stems from the fact that they share a placenta. Essentially, Baby A has about 75% of the placenta, and Baby B has the rest, due to where their umbilical cords connected to the placenta. Since B doesn't have much of the placenta, she is pretty much operating on "survival mode", using what she has in her body to sustain her heart and brain and extremeties. Randomly, a rush of blood will come through the placenta from Baby A (who has a normal amount of everything, and is not operating on survival mode), and send Baby B into a sort of adrenaline rush. The doctor told us that during these random transfers, it can cause brain injury to one or both. He also said that at any point, baby B, because she is operating on survival mode, could pass away in utero, and we would have no way of preventing it or knowing until our next ultrasound. There are 3 stages to SIUGR, and we are in Stage 3, which is the newest, most complicated, and hardest to predict the outcome for.

We begged the doctor to tell us something that we could do, there had to be something. The only option he gave us was to "selectively terminate" baby B in hopes that it would provide a better outcome for baby A. He said it was illegal in most states to do it after 24 weeks (which is what I am), but that he knew a doctor in Maryland that would do it. I was hysterical at this point, and Jordan spoke for both of us saying that was not on option for us. I think one of a mother's worst fears is having to choose between one of her children, and simply to hear it made me completely sick. I PRAYED for these two little miracles, the Lord said yes. Who am I to end one of their lives simply because a doctor tells me that it could POSSIBLY give the other one a better chance? That's God's place, not mine. HE is in control, and He has our days numbered, before we are even a thought.

The rest of the appointment was pretty much a blur, but we asked if there was anything else we could do...bedrest, surgery, anything. Nothing. We just have to wait. Continue to go to weekly ultrasounds and pray with our whole hearts that our baby girls hearts are still beating and they are still thriving. Dr. Johnson suggested that we deliver early, around 32 weeks. I will be given steroids for the girls to help them develop, and they will inevitably be in the NICU for a while, but this was his best suggestion that they would be strong enough to deliver, without giving the SIUGR more chance to progress. In about 30-50% of cases, brain injury can happen to one or both of the girls, specifically if one passes in utero. This wouldn't be evident until they were born and about 6 months, when we can visibly start to see how they are developing and responding to things.

The hardest news I have ever had to hear? Hands down. I feel sick, terrified, and anxious. But there is one common thing I am noticing in this story...at every event, at every piece of news we recieve, the Lord is saying "Wait on Me, trust in Me." Would I like a clear, difinitive diagnosis now? Ofcourse. But the Lord is requiring that we have more faith than we ever have, and for that I am thankful because HE is faithful. No matter what the outcome, He is still good, and we will still praise Him. But Oh God, please protect my little girls. Grow them healthy and strong and let us hold them and raise them to know You like we do. Let their lives be a living testimony of the miracles that only YOU are capable of, despite all other odds. Let their lives glorify you. Amen.
"Then I said, 'I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High. I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples.'" Psalm 77 10:14